Recipe #1: The Sloppy Jalopy

After you pour one out for Hawthornes, celebrate its legacy with crispy potatoes, poached eggs, and a creamy, spicy, lick-it-off-your-plate pimento cheese sauce.

This Will Fix You is dedicated to the art of hosting, cooking, and taking care of the ones you love. Come hungry—and remember, no shoes on the carpet.

*Disclaimer: Hilariously, I was in the middle of drafting this post when I learned that Hawthornes will be closing its doors after 15 years of service, which means that this recipe is as felicitous as ever. I’m choosing to think of the Sloppy Jalopy as a preservation of legacy rather than the unintended manifestation of Hawthornes’ demise. Now is a good time to mention that a stranger once approached me at a party and told me, apropos of nothing, that I was a witch. I’m starting to believe them. Regardless, the irony of this situation is not lost on me. Que sera sera.

Every neighborhood has its staples, and Hawthornes of Bella Vista is one of my longest standing. The best way to describe Hawthornes is that it’s always there*. The menu is vast, there’s indoor and outdoor seating abound, and it remains one of the only restaurants where my mother (70, Jewish, anxious) can order something off the menu without many modifications, meaning that it’s become a permanent fixture on my restaurant rotation when dining out in South Philadelphia. Last Saturday, my friend Erin and I met there for a long-overdue catchup over brunch; we decided to split the sourdough French toast and the Hot Mess. The French toast was tasty, but the Hot Mess inspired me.

Breakfast has always been a point of struggle. I don’t want eggs on their own, I never crave oatmeal or smoothies in the morning, and there’s nowhere in Philadelphia with a decent bagel (fight me on this, but you know it’s true). For a while, çilbir scratched my breakfast itch, and I ate it every day like an Ottoman sultan—until I got sick of that, too. I am the bravest woman in the world, saddled with such immeasurable suffering. Enter my saving grace: Delicate eggs, crispy potatoes, and a spicy, creamy pimento cheese sauce.

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The Sloppy Jalopy

Materials

• Large mixing bowl

• Rubber spatula

• Small bowl or ramekin

• Fine mesh sieve (optional)

• Medium pot

• Medium pan

• Baking sheet

Ingredients

For the pimento cheese (yields 2 cups)

• 8 oz cream cheese, cubed and softened

• 8 oz extra-sharp cheddar, grated

• 4 oz pimento peppers, diced

• 2–4 tbsp of hot sauce, or to taste (I like Hank’s)

• 2 tbsp Kewpie mayonnaise

• 1 tsp garlic powder

• 1 tsp onion powder

• 1 tsp smoked paprika

• 1/4 tsp cayenne pepper

• 1 tsp Worcestershire sauce

• Salt and pepper to taste

For the Sloppy Jalopy (yields 4 servings)

• 8 eggs

• 2 tbsp white distilled vinegar

• 2 tbsp olive oil

• Salt and pepper

• 1/2 tsp smoked paprika

• 16–20 (1–1.5 lb) small yellow potatoes, halved

• 1/2 cup pimento cheese* (see notes)

• 1/2 cup milk or half-and-half

• 1/4 cup scallions, thinly sliced

• 1/4 cup dill, small sprigs still intact

Recipe

1. Preheat oven to 425°F.

2. Add olive oil to a baking sheet large enough to fit all of your potatoes. Add smoked paprika, salt, pepper, and potatoes. Toss until potatoes are evenly coated, and then use your fingers or a pair of tongs to flip each potato so that the cut-side is facing down. Once oven is preheated, add potatoes, and set timer for 30 minutes.

3. Fill your pot halfway up with water. Add white distilled vinegar, and set on the stove over medium-low heat.

4. Prepare the pimento cheese. In a large bowl, combine all ingredients and mix vigorously until combined, either by hand with a firm rubber spatula—or, if you don’t want the arm workout, with a hand-mixer. Taste and adjust for salt as necessary.

This is what your pimento cheese should look like once it’s mixed.

5. Here is where you must poach an egg* (see notes), which is far less intimidating than many people make it out to be. Explaining it via text is a waste of time, so this is the video that taught me how to poach eggs during the pandemic. Instead of dirtying four bowls, simply repeat the process for each egg in the same bowl after its predecessor has been deposited into the pan. If you use a sieve, your eggs will come out much cleaner and you cut the risk of fucking them up by at least 90%, but it’s not a necessity. Once poached, transfer the eggs onto a dish cloth- or paper towel-lined plate using a slotted spoon. Be careful not to puncture them.

6. Add your reserved pimento cheese and half-and-half or milk to a pan over medium-low heat. Using a whisk, stir occasionally until sauce is thick and bubbly. If the sauce seems too thick, add another splash of milk. Too thin? Let it reduce to desired consistency. It should be pourable, but not runny.

7. In the event that you’ve got some time left on the potatoes, make a pot of hot, drip coffee, which I firmly believe goes best with this meal. Once the timer goes off, take out the potatoes and allow them to cool for a few minutes before gently loosening them from the sheet pan with a spatula.

I added a bit more hot sauce and black pepper to my sauce—remember, it’s all to taste.

8. To serve, spoon a generous amount of pimento cheese sauce across the bottom of a plate. Shovel on a heap of crispy potatoes. Gently drape two eggs across the potatoes, followed by a handful of scallions and a big ole’ crack of black pepper. Enjoy with a steaming cup of coffee and a Nancy comic strip.

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Notes

1. This pimento cheese recipe will leave you with plenty extra. I think it would be ridiculous to put that much effort into prepping a spread only for it to disappear over the course of one meal. As long as it’s tightly covered, pimento cheese will last at least a week in the fridge. It makes a fabulous dip for pretzels and veggies; alternatively, slather it on some toasted sourdough and top with a fried egg. Similarly, I understand that the last thing most people want to do in the morning is spend an extra fifteen minutes whipping up pimento cheese. Cabot makes a delicious store-bought pimento cheese. In a pinch, use whatever. It’s never that serious!

2. My friend Sarah is repulsed by yolks. They make her gag. A poached egg would kill her in seconds, like a pilgrim listening to Odd Future. If you would prefer this dish would your eggs over hard, simply fry them up in a pan and forego the poaching altogether.

3. Potatoes can be baked in the air fryer. Toss with oil and spices in a separate bowl, spread evenly on air fryer tray, and bake for around 15 minutes at 400°F, shaking the basket halfway through.

4. You can absolutely add crumbled sausage or diced bacon to this dish, but I am largely ambivalent about breakfast meat, and therefore I did not.

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There you have it! A big pile of stuff that tastes good. Every great meal is about texture as much as flavor, and what I really appreciate about the Sloppy Jalopy is the variety of elements going on at once. It’s great for a weekend brunch, or an impressive breakfast to pacify your freaky little holiday guests. Stay warm and talk soon.

XOXO,

Ava